The reality is these days will always be the days before my son died. No matter how you slice it each and everyone of them represent a last memory, last conversation , the last hug, so many lasts on these last days. It's so easy to tell when people don't understand my situation, when I reference getting through the weekend or dreading the date ahead, often times I'll get a look like wasn't that a while ago. To you it may seem like a while ago but to us it feels like it was just yesterday, a nightmare that we live every day.
I've spent quite a bit of time lately looking at old pictures and memories of the last few months of our lives together. It's amazing when looking back how I'm able to see the differences in his mood and his presence. On our last Christmas he wouldn't allow me to take pictures of him all morning long, at least not until everyone arrived. When it was time for family pictures, he jumped right up, participated and gave us some of the greatest pictures we've ever taken together of our families. Often I look back and I wonder if this was something he had planned for quite some time. Like on Christmas of 2015 did he know that just 31 days later he would end his life? I look at the pictures from when Nora was born, seeing upon his arrival to the hospital how excited he was to see her. The huge smile on his face as he held her for the first time was one of genuine love. It's all really really hard to process. Maybe it wasn't that he planned this but that he fought it off every day of his life until he could no more. I know this is so hard for so many to understand, so much life ahead of him, so much love around him, him sharing that same love with so many others. There is just no way we will ever understand all that he endured and all that he had up against him because he would never allow us to. When I talk with friends that he supported, there are many common themes but one that stands out is that it was never about him. He didn't share his struggles, he simply wanted to help others through theirs. Thats a very special trait and one that I'll always admire, I just wish that he could have found the comfort to let us understand how much he hurt on those final days because we wanted to help him just as he did for others.
If you are feeling hopeless or having thoughts of ending your life, please reach out for assistance. Resources are available at https://www.projecthudson.org/get-help/
Remember that you don't have to call, you can simply text for help from the US by texting home to 741-741 or by going to their website at https://www.crisistextline.org
Hudson's phone is still on and closeby, it has been very active this week. Please continue to reach out, we love to hear from you and will always be here if we can help.
With all my Love,