Don’t Look so sad, those are the words I have heard with frequency today, in fact I’ve heard them 3 times in the last hour from 3 different people. I wish that I didn’t wear it on my sleeve but what I really wish is that it was that easy, that I could just flip a switch and not be sad. That’s not my reality, you see today is Tuesday and no matter how hard I try to treat it as just another day, Tuesday will forever be the day that my son died. It’s not like I’m circling it on a calendar or saying every Tuesday “oh it’s Tuesday, let’s be sad” this is just my reality.
So I know when I’m having a bad day and when I do I often head straight for my safe space, that being the cemetery where Hudson rests. Often a trip there will allow me to get my sadness out and to reset but there are days when it doesn’t work. Today is one of those days. I then tried to go eat by myself to get back out of the house and try to reset my mind, well I chose Mexican and the entire time that I sat there, I stared at the chips & salsa thinking back to my last meal with Hudson just a few days before he ended his life. Our favorite Mexican restaurant, I can remember exactly where we sat and hear that sound of him crunching his chips, mouth wide open. You see everywhere I go and in everything I do, there’s sadness. Sadness because it reminds me of a piece of me that is forever missing. So many have suggestions on how to make it go away but my reality is that it will never go away. I gave everything I had for 14 years to someone that left me, unannounced, unexpected, and unnecessarily.
The pain of losing a child is the most unique of pains but losing a child to suicide hurts that much more. It’s the constant questions of what could have been, what might have went wrong, what could we have done differently, how and why did this happen to us? Some have suggested a grief share group but I can assure you that my pain is much different than someone who lost their dog or their grandparent, there’s sadly no place I can go where everyone will understand my pain.
I want to not be sad, I want to be happy, I want to have great days just the same as anyone else. The problem is that every time I get up, every time I find my momentum and motivation, something crashes me right back down. And when I’m down it’s so much harder to get up, my emotions are times 1000 whether it be sad, happy, mad, frustrated, etc. Any of these are extreme in this life. So here I am, an hour after being told how sad I look, still feeling sad. The hardest part is realizing that my sadness is only a fraction of the sadness that one must feel to feel like death is the only option to silence the pain. These are the days when I have to go back and read Hudson’s note to be reminded that he felt that this was what he wanted. Reminded that this is a pain that no one should ever endure alone. I want you all to know that helping you through your sadness is honestly the best therapy to help me with mine. There is nothing more rewarding than having a friend of his remind us that what we do is helping them through their sadness. It’s one of the handful of things that I live for and one of the few things that reminds me of the good that comes from our pain.
I wish I wasn’t sad but please don’t remind me when I am, I get that it doesn’t resonate with most but I wish that no one had to feel sadness and loss in the way that I do. Recognize, it’s my life and please don’t act surprised when I say I’m not ok. If you’re feeling sad, please seek help. I’m familiar and aware enough of my emotions through this experience that I know I will be ok but not everyone has the strength to navigate this on their own. If you’re in a crisis or feeling hopeless, please text TBH to 741741.