And so it starts, busy season. One of the many hats I wear in life requires that I travel quite a bit from the months of Dec-March. I love the work that I do and the travel that comes with it but what I don't love is the anxiety that also accompanies it. You see, on 1/26/16, I was in Minneapolis, MN and had just flown there that evening. Every time I see an airport I think back to the hardest moments to maintain, the moments navigating the airport the morning of 1/27 after getting the call informing me that Hudson had completed suicide. Trying to hold it together while standing in a very lengthy security line, knowing it would still be hours before I could get home to my family. Those were some of the things that I continued to struggle with when I starting traveling again but have since overcome, although there is still the thought of that day every time I board a plane.
During this busy season I always fly out of the same airport that I left from that night. I vividly remember the state of my mind that night as we taxied for the runway. Feeling as if I didn't know what would be next or what I could do to help us navigate the latest bump in the road. Feelings that I could give up. Little did I know it would be the last bump for Hudson and the night he truly gave up.
As the frequency of flights ramps up I adapt and find myself to be less anxious but through this first few its tough. The separation from my family, the unavailability of me being in the air and unable to take a critical call if something were to happen, the memories stuck in my mind forever of that flight home, every moment just begging that what I was about to face was not real. The guilt that I feel now for not being home and helping with our middle son that still significantly struggles to adapt to this life. The guilt of not staying home that night and instead trusting that he would be ok... While I have learned to power through these feelings I often ask myself if this will ever go away. Those that know this life told me long ago that at 2 years things might start to stabilize, I've never hoped so badly for something to be true. That mark is fast approaching and I still feel so far from a new normal but I'm still holding on to hope and leaning on those that can help me carry through. That list seems to get shorter everyday after our tragedy but I'm grateful for those that still hold us up, including the family that I take these trips with. So here goes another season of grinding through, please send good vibes my way, with the support of you all, I will get through it!