Three years.

We will survive but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. In the grief community you always hear two years and it gets better, well for us that wasn’t the case.

Year one is a fog and one of just basic survival. One filled with many desperate attempts to buy or find happiness by over spending and trips every month.

Year two is reality. The reality that whom you have lost isn’t coming back. That any questions you have will never be answered. That your life has been and will remain forever changed.

Year three is days in a row of not only surviving but feeling like you’ve accomplished something. Days in a row of no tears and no moments of intense grief. Don’t be fooled though because then you feel guilty. Then it’s a day or two of sadness and basic survival.

Regardless what year something that has continued to maintain consistent is, holidays are horrible. I have never been so grateful for a warm Christmas because it didn’t feel like Christmas to me. Maybe that’s because we escaped to Chicago and stayed in a hotel up until Christmas afternoon. Our kiddos didn’t get the traditional cookies out the night before and wake up super early to open gifts Christmas. We just can’t do it and it’s not worth putting our kids through seeing us like that.

Three years and we are still dealing with things we dealt with year one and two and unfortunately I imagine we always will. We will always have questions, we will always wonder what if, there will always be those people who’s personal mission is more important than the legacy of Hudson, there will be good days but there will still be bad days. It’s just all in how you handle what is presented.

Here’s to 2019.

Peace and love.