It is by far the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. Every aspect of my life surrounds the loss of Hudson. From the minute I wake up till the moment I eventually fall asleep.
Shopping, decorating, words, what’s allowed in ones room, the shutting of a door, playing, screaming, phone calls, food, language... all have changed due to the loss of Hudson.
Suicide changes everything.
I no longer shop in certain stores due to the memory of “the last time”. I am particular about items in my home. You won’t find many photos of actual people, memories are really hard.
If you are sent to your room you aren’t allowed to shut the door. This way we can hear you because we are so afraid you too will try to harm yourself.
Wes and I don’t call each other without a text warning. Seeing each other pop up on the phones instantly causes a panic.
We avoid restaurants we used to go to. You will never catch us at a hibachi restaurant again. Even though Texas Roadhouse does SO SO SO much for us we will never sit in one again because it is the last meal out we ate as a family.
Just yesterday we made Nora change out of a sweatshirt because of the way it was lying on her neck.
You will find Wes and I do pretty much anything to avoid saying the word “hung”. I cringe every time.
Going to Dick’s Sporting Goods to get a mouthguard for football? Going to Dick’s Sporting Goods to pick out football stuff? Just not gonna happen. Kellen is robbed of that experience. Instead it was ordered on Amazon.
We are the most paranoid parents imaginable. We hardly trust anyone. Kellen’s school is going to the zoo in the near future from 830 to 230. It was not an option for him to go unless someone in our immediate family would be able to go with him. The thought of someone else being responsible for my child in a public place for that long of time is terrifying.
For those that have attempted or have thought of ending your life. Reach out. Get help, it’s out there and it can work. Your life is worth living. Don’t for one second think that your family would be better off without you because damnit it’s not. It’s hard. Impossible at times.
My hope is that no matter what walk of life you are living you find something from my posts. Knowledge, hope, understanding whatever it is that’s why I write the raw truth.
How can you help me? Share Hudson’s story. Share my story. Talking saves lives.
Peace and love,