To the days where the physical and mental pain just can’t be masked.

I wish I could say that at 97 weeks things are better. I can say they aren’t worse and for that I am thankful. One of the first questions we asked after Hudson passed was when will we have some normalcy? We were told the second year… well that is bullshit. The first year I was numb, the second year I can feel every ounce of pain. In many ways the second year is worse than the first and I worry that the third and fourth will be the same.

I feel that we live in limbo- on one side it feels like forever since we last saw him but when I think two years it feels just like yesterday.

I still have moments where I think he is going to walk through the door and those moments hurt, but I think the worst part of it all is not being able to replay his voice in my head or remember how he felt or the crackle in his voice. I miss the sounds and the feeling when he would hug or sit next to you.

I still often wonder why us, why Hudson. What did I do to deserve this pain? November and December are horrible. I can replay moments from each week and knowing we will never have those moments again just breaks you. Traditions of family time, cooking, decorating, opening one present on Christmas Eve, always getting Hudson so he could share Christmas morning with us… I just can’t imagine how hard it is going to be the next few weeks.

Then of course after the holidays we have to plan how to remember Hudson on the two year anniversary. I shouldn’t be planning this… I should be planning birthdays and graduations… I truly don’t wish this life on anyone.

What can you do: when you see Wes and me as we try to get through the holidays and the two year mark I ask that you simply just be available for us. Every day the mask that we have had on most of the last year is cracking and pieces of it are falling. We know that our family and friends will be there for us but sometimes it is hard to express what we need, just be patient with us.

To those that are going to be surrounded by family and friends over the holidays I ask one thing of you. At some point during the hustle and bustle I want you to take a step back and soak up the memory that you are creating. I want you to take pictures no matter what. I want you to be kind and I want each and every one of you to know that you are loved, you have purpose and you are beautiful.

With my love,

Jenna

 

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