I thought 6 months would be hard… half a year. Well, 7 is harder. I often wonder if it will get easier. I doubt it, I may become more stable… but doubtful it will ever get easier.
Grief is horrible, so horrible that at month 7 I am numb. I go days without emotion… just numb. Then out of nowhere reality hits and it hits hard. The days that I am numb I know its real, I know he is gone… but I have found a way that blocks all feelings that come with those statements. Then, out of the blue I have a day where horrible images flash in my head and I am devastated… I itch because I am anxious. I don’t eat. I am angry. I am sad. Then the next day I am back to being numb. It’s a viscous cycle that I truly don’t wish upon anyone.
I want to really write to those that are thinking about suicide and how that by ending your life you are in a sense just passing the pain to someone else. Let’s take Kellen for example- he went from a happy innocent little boy to a little boy that cries for no obvious reason, who gets mad for no obvious reason, who asks if he has depression, a boy that sees his Mom and Dad cry more than smile. A little boy that tries so hard, so hard to continue his big brothers legacy. A little boy that has lost friends because of this. A little boy that knows how cruel this world really is. Kellen’s life will never be the same. Kellen is now full of pain and questions about how Hudson died, when, where was he, was he asleep, did it hurt… we simply can’t answer them. We are not ready.
Let’s take Nora- one would think at just 4 months old she wouldn’t know any different. Now at nearly a year old trust me she has been stripped of a lot. Her birthday is tomorrow… her first birthday. Want to know what we will be doing? Moving. Moving out of this town that looks at us like a freak show. We won’t have a party for her till nearly November. How is that ok? How is it that as a mother I didn’t think of this beforehand? Why is it when I look at a calendar the first thing I look for is where the 26th falls, not her birthday.
Let’s take my husband- There are many of nights that we fall asleep holding each other crying because the pain of walking by his bedroom is just too much. A man that has lost friendships because they just can’t and don’t understand the emotional rollercoaster. A man that you just look at and know by his eyes he is in pain and has suffered a tragedy.
I guess to be fair I should talk about me. The mom that was organized, never missed an appointment, the mom who was always early and well prepared. The mom that spent countless hours researching the best food and timeframe to give food to babies, the mom that cleaned every day, the mom that was always 3 steps ahead. Well she is gone. I am a complete different person. I fall asleep every night on the couch out of pure exhaustion, with a sink full of dirty dishes, crumbs on the floor, god only knows if bottles are clean and if we have food for the following day. Forget clean laundry. Do we have diapers? Are we out of wipes? I keep telling myself I will get back with it when we move, but will I?
I understand life is hard, trust me. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through- but I know that I am here for a reason and that I must continue. Please know that if you are struggling that there is help out there. Please I am begging you- do not put your family and friends through this. You are loved and will be missed, so loved and so missed.
To those family and friends that think we should “move on” or “get over it” screw you. Don’t tell us or talk about us and how we are grieving. We lost our child… a child. A young boy. This is something we will always grieve over, ALWAYS. Losing a child is unlike any other loss. I am so thankful you have never had to go through this, as you clearly don’t understand the impact that it has. Keep your comments to yourself- they do nothing but hurt us and honestly we have no more room in our lives for hurt and pain.
To those that have stuck by our sides and continue to love us and not pass judgment, thank you. Without you guys we would be lost! To those that support our cause thank you, because of your support we are able to save lives. We are able to continue Hudson’s name and legacy.
In a time like this you automatically think that because you have suffered such tragedy that everything going forward will go your way and well that is just not how it works. As Wes and I lifted Hudson’s bed up the stairs to the pod last night, as we brought bags and bags of clothes up the stairs, as we carried the memory boards we made for his funeral it really hit me how messed up our lives are. As parents you are not wired or programmed to deal with something like this. You just aren’t. There isn’t a book out there that prepares you for this. I said in one of my very first chapters that I wish there was a photographer that would have captured that day, I still to this day wish there was a photographer that followed us around to capture the pain, the tears, the hurt, the tragedy we are going through. I still firmly believe if we could put our thoughts and emotions in a black and white photo it would save lives. The amount pain we carry each day is indescribable.
To my angel I love you, I hope you are proud of us. I hope you are flying high up there!